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Note:
I have NOT read these books. I have never heard of these books. Yes, I judged books by their cover.
My first thought - how can you fix a marriage in only seven minutes? Secondly, what are you so busy with that you can't devote more than seven minutes to your spouse? And the second book...I don't want a "new husband." And if I did, in five days? Really? I'm sure you can sense my sarcasm, but even if you can't think of it this way - what would you think or feel if your husband brought home a book that said "Have a New Wife by Friday?" Yeah, that's what I thought.
I am NOT a relationship expert. I am not even close. But, I am a wife. I talked to Jonathan prior to posting this to insure he was comfortable with it. I do not want to violate our marriage by spilling all of our dirty little secrets. However, I will share with you an honest portrayal of our past.
Some of you may know that Jonathan and I chose to separate in February. After two months apart, we decided that our marriage, our love, was stronger than any issues we had encountered. Our issues started last July, although that may have been our first rock bottom, so I suppose they started before then. Stress, money, and undiagnosed depression sent our relationship spiraling downward quickly. I was overly sensitive and felt Jonathan was insensitive. I took everything personally and did not feel as though I was understood.
Those months apart were unbearable. For the first several weeks, I thought I was happier. But slowly, I found myself just pretending to be fulfilled by the "single life." We have all had those break downs in the shower, but I will never forget this one. I prayed harder than I ever had. The control freak that I am had convinced myself that I could fix it all and be happy again with or without Jonathan. But that night, I gave it all back to God. I admitted that I could not take it any longer and that I had no idea what I was doing, what I wanted, or what I needed. I just needed back what I had lost somewhere along the way.
The next day, Jonathan and I agreed he would move back to Austin and he got his previous job back. Our marriage is not fixed. Our problems did not disappear. And as much as I would like it to, these things will not go away in seven minutes...or even five days. This is a lifelong journey.
I have learned a few ways to heal our hearts and begin to repair our marriage. So, here they are.
1. Prayer works. Enough said. Even if you don't know how, just say "Jesus." He knows your heart and knows exactly what you need.
2. Marriage is not roses and chocolates. It's a long, hard experience. It's hard work. The work never ends. You have to not only maintain it, but improve it daily. Hopefully, roses and chocolates will come...or maybe a flower from your own flowerbed and a milky way. Be grateful.
3. Love is a choice. You do not fall in love, you choose to love. Everyday you wake up, you choose to love that person, even in their worst. You choose to because you see something in them that cannot be matched by any other. You choose to show love. Loving without showing love is pointless. It's like choosing to exercise without getting off the couch.
4. Listen. Just shut up, and listen.
5. Walk away. I hated going to bed angry, but now, it's not always such a bad idea. It gives you time to sleep, breathe, calm down, and rationalize.
6. Guys are dumb and girls are crazy. Find common ground...even if it's that neither of you know what you are doing.
7. You both suck. You are not the problem. Your spouse is not the problem. Accept that you both suck, and promise to work together to get better. Be what they need you to be. Tell them what you need them to be.
8. And for those who really want to "change" your spouse - we all have those triggers, those habits we hate. (ah-hem...wet towels on the bed...) Accept your partner for who they are. Not who they were or who you want them to be. Change starts within yourself. If there is something you really want your partner to change, change it in yourself first. I wanted Jonathan to be more sensitive to my feelings. So, when he would get upset, I say the things I want him to say to me. Eventually, those habits rub off. Or, they notice a change in you and it inspires them to be a better spouse.
Like I said, I am NOT an expert, and I absolutely DO NOT think that marrital issues can be fixed by simply reading a book. It takes a lot of work. You will cry. A lot. You should pray. A lot. We are proof that you CAN get through it.
LOVE WORKS.
